Moments flickers past, hands reach up to catch,
Through the fingers, like grains of sand,
Time flashes by me, not even leaving a scratch
All my moments end up spilling on the land.
It’s not easy, when I watch a black canvas
Waiting for me to hatch my ideas upon it,
Nothing, a crawling darkness, so I must,
Focus. Heart hammers hard, a rhythm to get my time,
Slipping, I know I am, voices turn to screams
A desperate moment, in a surge of blood and whispers
My mind convulses under a thin film of panic,
Laced with a rumbling fear, locking my joints until
I no longer have the energy to help, to aid,
But the faint ticking of my moment wash away angst.
My feet tread upon sturdy ground, I’m sure of this weight
That I shift across a rapid of seconds. My slow movements
Can’t keep up and I fall behind. Holding on my moments,
A grasp of reality pulls me clear from the horror.
I reach a crowd of shadows who mumble my name.
Cries of panic tug at me in a current of confusion.
I find the root, taking it in my outstretch hands.
Solid and true, I follow it to my knees. Ground.
My fingertips run down it, sure that I am safe.
Blinking back, eyes blurry with ominous tears, searching
For a solution. Anything, anyone and anyway, something
Falls into place, a cog in my mind; the final piece of this
Puzzle. The completed image and I see you there.
Warm and soft, distinct knowledge floods my mind
Filling the hold inside, a gaping hole it was. Itchy,
A pain that was once excruciating, corroded by
Panic. Instead, purposeful and alert, I reach into certainty.
My voice rolls out from a box of comfort, tied with a silken bow,
My hand moves to bring the end of the suffering.
A touch is all. I lurch into a rush of feelings.
My soul connects to a wreath of affection.
Only then, when I find you. I close my hand
A moment to tie me down so I don’t go
Without finding a true mission, time would end
I would perish. But now, I have my mission.
To help you, and to love you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This was very nice. Original with a good driving progression.
I would suggest clearing up some of your punctuation to help the flow and the rhythm as well as make your meaning clearer. Take out some of the commas, they make it sound choppy.
I also think it drags on a bit too much - condensing the last stanza in particular might be effective.
I like the last line, but I agree with Twinflower that it is less powerful and dramatic than the rest of the piece. I would suggest substituting the word "help" - it is somewhat weak in this context.
Overall i enjoyed this. Nice work
This is a good poem--I like how the mood is dark and desperate until the last stanza, when everything is resolved. I liked the first stanza a lot, with the grains of sand and the empty canvas.
I think "without leaving a scratch" would sound smoother than "not even" here.
The line break between "I must" and "focus" is effective. It's abrupt but it leads well into the next stanza and gives a sense of...unsureness.
The part about the whole puzzle picture coming together is good.
Is there any other way of saying this? It just seems a little less powerful than the rest of the poem.
I enjoyed this a lot, good job!
~Twinflower